This is the scariest blog I have ever written. It's been floating around in my head for months, but it's never actually come together.
I think that will surprise a lot of people. I am one to be open about my past and present. I have no trouble telling people that I have battled and eating disorder or that I have extremely mild cerebral palsy. And I feel the need to share this story for the same reason I have shared the others: 1) to shed light on a topic that is misunderstood by so many, especially given recent happenings in the news, and 2) to give God the glory for what He has done in my life. The catch is, when you tell someone you were born with mild cerebral palsy or that you are recovered from disordered eating, no one in their right mind will look at you and say, "It's all your fault."
Coming out as a sexual assault survivor is another story.
We've all heard at least one of the comments, either referring to a news story or someone we know personally. "She shouldn't have been drinking." "He was asking for it." "Why was she walking alone at night?" In some cases, like mine, the comments might be more marginalizing than blaming. "Well, that happens to everybody at some point, it's no big deal." "Poor boys these days, can't do anything without being accused of something." "He was just a kid, how could he have known better? You're making a big deal out of nothing."
Recently, many women I know have come out as fellow assault survivors, including members of my own family. I have messaged them privately to thank them and tell them I can relate, but it's taken me many attempts to actually put my own story out there. In some ways, it doesn't feel like my experience "counts." It was a child-on-child assault; I was 8 years old and he was maybe ten or eleven. I honestly didn't realize what was happening until after the fact, when a witness (the same age as my perpetrator) accused, "You had SEX with him!"
For the next three years, I carried my secret. Between the shame that always comes after an assault and the "purity culture" of the 90's that taught that premarital sex was borderline unforgivable (yes, this was ground into me as early as grade school), I was convinced there was no way I could ever tell anyone what had happened without being ostracized for the rest of my life. Because I hadn't understood what was happening until after the fact, I hadn't said, "No," or "Stop," - because I hadn't refused what he was doing, then I must have given him my consent and therefore I was guilty. My perpetrator moved away and all contact was lost, but his peer who had witnessed the event continued to use it to blackmail me, threatening to spread the word if I didn't submit to their wishes. Thankfully, they never demanded anything sexual from me, but I found myself in plenty of humiliating situations, taking the blame for something they had done. I felt like a helpless puppet, controlled by a five-minute incident in my past, with no hope of escape- surely, not even God could hear my cries for help when I had committed such an atrocity.
But God heard my cries. In fifth grade, I confided my story to a classmate who turned out to be one of the truest friends I have ever known. I told her the story from the perspective of my own guilt, trying to explain that it had been "an accident," but somehow, at age 11, she was able to hear what had really happened. Even though I swore her to secrecy, she took a great risk (knowing how mean 5th-grade girls could be when one betrayed another) and told our guidance counselor what I had told her. On the last day of 5th grade the counselor came into our classroom, where I was cleaning out my desk, and asked me to come with her. Once we were inside her office, the first words she said to me were, "[Classmate] told me that someone hurt you three years ago, and you are afraid to tell anyone." I burst into tears of relief at her words. "Hurt you." Not, "You have a confession you need to make," or "You feel bad about something you did." Someone acknowledged that I had been hurt.
My counselor contacted my parents (who were horrified and heartbroken for me) and referred all of us to a community counselor, and we began taking steps toward healing. The peer witness eventually reached a level of maturity where they could see the seriousness of what had happened, and we were able to come to reconciliation. I have no idea where my perpetrator is, and I have no desire to find out (and I trust my readers to respect that).
My guidance counselor, the community counselor, and my parents were all wonderfully supportive of me through the healing process, but there was no magic moment when everything was "gone." There were many reasons why I slipped into an eating disorder and was treated for anxiety, but I know that the shame and fear I felt after the assault were major factors. Even writing this story brings back dark memories that will probably never go away completely on this side of eternity. But, it's a story that needs to be told.
To anyone who has, works with, volunteers with, or cares about children, I beg you: listen when a child complains that someone else is bothering them. I'm a teacher and I've spent many years volunteering in children's ministry at church; believe me, I know it's tiring to listen to tattling. But if a child complains of intentional unwanted touching, it's not something they can be told to "just ignore" or "tell them to stop." Children need to understand that their bodies are their own, and that they can count on trusted adults to defend them when others won't respect their boundaries. The children who are doing the touching need to understand the seriousness of their actions. We keep saying "teach rapists not to rape," but is anyone actually telling children that they must leave someone else alone when told to do so (and enforcing the teaching with appropriate consequences)?
Parents, your children need to know the difference between "fighting" (intended to hurt or get revenge on someone) and "self-defense" (doing what you need to do to escape an unsafe situation)- and they also need to understand that, if they cannot defend themselves or find someone else to protect them, they are innocent victims, not failures. They need to understand the difference between affectionate or guiding touch, or an honest accident, and touch that is abusive. And they need to hear this from you- we teachers will try to talk about it, we might bring in a police liaison or guidance counselor to talk about it, but it won't have the same effect coming from us. Your children need to know to come to you if anyone- stranger, friend, man, woman, adult, child- does something or even says something inappropriate, they can tell you, and they need to know you won't ask, "Why did you...?" or "Why didn't you...?" They "did" or "didn't" because someone took advantage of their innocence and betrayed their trust. Save your anger for the ones who deserve it.
Finally, to those who are living in the shameful shadow of sexual assault, I share my story to let you know, there is hope for healing. There are people who care, who will listen if you start speaking. There are people who specifically chose to study ways to help you and make careers out of it, not for the money or prestige, but because they care. And there is a God who loves you, who sees you as worth dying for, even when you see yourself as worthless. There is a Savior who knows what it feels like to carry guilt when you are innocent- He has carried the sin and shame of the entire world to the cross.
How public you go with your story is your choice. What kinds of legal action you take or what kinds of care you receive are your choice. But, please, don't suffer in silence- don't believe the lie that you are at fault or that you deserve the pain you feel. Come out from behind that shadow- myself and others who have been there will be there for you, on the other side.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
My Eating Disorder Story Part 2: "Health Equals Weight Loss...right?"
Go scroll through your Facebook feed right now, and try to count how many things you see about weight loss. How many ads do you see (either posted by ad partners or by your own Facebook friends) promoting weight loss products or strategies? Or go watch TV for a bit, and see how many advertisements talk about loosing weight. Look at the magazines on display in the store check-out line and see how many covers mention dieting or loosing weight.
Sometimes, successful losers will talk about their improved appearance, lowered cholesterol, or reversed pre-diabetes. More often, though, they will talk about how their entire life was changed by weight-loss- how it saved their marriage (or got them a marriage partner!), improved their career, brought healing from past traumatic experiences, etc. Now, don't get me wrong- being overweight or obese is often the result of underlying conditions, which may be physical or psychological. It's great to hear about people who receive a diagnosis and can begin the path to healing...but, all too often, these commercials will promise anything- from a svelte figure to a dream date- to sell whatever weight loss product they can.
It's overwhelming. As a pre-teen, the message I was getting was that, if the number on the scale was dropping, then my health was improving, more people would notice me and love me, and I was becoming more valuable and accepted as a person.
As early as fourth grade, my classmates and I were being lectured about obesity and the dangers of eating anything with fat or sugar in it- I learned to fear many perfectly healthy foods, such as avocados or lean red meats. I was told that my health could be measured by simple P.E. tests- tests that I would usually fail because I had (undiagnosed) cerebral palsy and athletic asthma.
By sixth grade, I would skip meals every opportunity I got, or, if I ate, I would only eat foods I considered "good," such as lettuce or a little bit of white meat. I was experimenting with purging. In high school, I would use my unscheduled time to go to the weight room and do the "fat-burning" workouts on the cardio machine. In my mind, if I was making the number on the scale go down, I was improving my health and my worth.
The catch: I have always been thin. I am 5' 5 1/2" and have never weighed more than 130 pounds- and I weighed much less in high school. I have always had a fast metabolism and lived an active lifestyle. Looking back, I was denying myself the proper amount of calories and vital nutrients such as protein, iron, and healthy fats. I wasn't getting anywhere in my workouts because I wasn't getting enough calories or doing the right resistance training to build strength. As a result, my health was actually declining. I had small black-out spells in P.E. or at tennis practice. I felt tired and got out of breath easily (my asthma symptoms were exacerbated by the lack of nutrients). However, in my mind, this was further evidence that I needed to loose weight. At ages fifteen and sixteen, I was trying to get my body to look like it did when I was twelve. I can remember one week during my freshman year of high school where I noticed my jeans didn't fit and I had "gained" three pounds (I didn't realize it was water weight from my monthly cycle), and I went into panic mode. I skipped lunch every day that week and threw up anything my parents made me eat. By the end of the week, my clothes fit again and I was back to my normal weight, and I felt as though I had hit a major health milestone. I had lost weight. Never mind the fact that I didn't NEED to loose it, or the horrible dieting methods I had just used. Loosing weight was healthy!
While I physically recovered from disordered eating at age seventeen, it has only been in the past eighteen months that I have realized that part of being healthy (for me) is keeping weight ON, not just keeping it off. For the first time in my life, I started being conscious about getting enough protein and calories, and I lightened up on my cardio and started focusing more on lifting weights. I felt like my appearance improved, but more importantly, my energy levels increased and I had less trouble with dizziness or blackouts.
Above all else, I've realized that the number on the scale is just that: a number. It does not make me a better friend, daughter, sister or teacher. My value does not come from my weight or my BMI. Rather, my value comes from a Savior who has bestowed His own righteousness upon me.
May I never forget.
Sometimes, successful losers will talk about their improved appearance, lowered cholesterol, or reversed pre-diabetes. More often, though, they will talk about how their entire life was changed by weight-loss- how it saved their marriage (or got them a marriage partner!), improved their career, brought healing from past traumatic experiences, etc. Now, don't get me wrong- being overweight or obese is often the result of underlying conditions, which may be physical or psychological. It's great to hear about people who receive a diagnosis and can begin the path to healing...but, all too often, these commercials will promise anything- from a svelte figure to a dream date- to sell whatever weight loss product they can.
It's overwhelming. As a pre-teen, the message I was getting was that, if the number on the scale was dropping, then my health was improving, more people would notice me and love me, and I was becoming more valuable and accepted as a person.
As early as fourth grade, my classmates and I were being lectured about obesity and the dangers of eating anything with fat or sugar in it- I learned to fear many perfectly healthy foods, such as avocados or lean red meats. I was told that my health could be measured by simple P.E. tests- tests that I would usually fail because I had (undiagnosed) cerebral palsy and athletic asthma.
By sixth grade, I would skip meals every opportunity I got, or, if I ate, I would only eat foods I considered "good," such as lettuce or a little bit of white meat. I was experimenting with purging. In high school, I would use my unscheduled time to go to the weight room and do the "fat-burning" workouts on the cardio machine. In my mind, if I was making the number on the scale go down, I was improving my health and my worth.
The catch: I have always been thin. I am 5' 5 1/2" and have never weighed more than 130 pounds- and I weighed much less in high school. I have always had a fast metabolism and lived an active lifestyle. Looking back, I was denying myself the proper amount of calories and vital nutrients such as protein, iron, and healthy fats. I wasn't getting anywhere in my workouts because I wasn't getting enough calories or doing the right resistance training to build strength. As a result, my health was actually declining. I had small black-out spells in P.E. or at tennis practice. I felt tired and got out of breath easily (my asthma symptoms were exacerbated by the lack of nutrients). However, in my mind, this was further evidence that I needed to loose weight. At ages fifteen and sixteen, I was trying to get my body to look like it did when I was twelve. I can remember one week during my freshman year of high school where I noticed my jeans didn't fit and I had "gained" three pounds (I didn't realize it was water weight from my monthly cycle), and I went into panic mode. I skipped lunch every day that week and threw up anything my parents made me eat. By the end of the week, my clothes fit again and I was back to my normal weight, and I felt as though I had hit a major health milestone. I had lost weight. Never mind the fact that I didn't NEED to loose it, or the horrible dieting methods I had just used. Loosing weight was healthy!
While I physically recovered from disordered eating at age seventeen, it has only been in the past eighteen months that I have realized that part of being healthy (for me) is keeping weight ON, not just keeping it off. For the first time in my life, I started being conscious about getting enough protein and calories, and I lightened up on my cardio and started focusing more on lifting weights. I felt like my appearance improved, but more importantly, my energy levels increased and I had less trouble with dizziness or blackouts.
Above all else, I've realized that the number on the scale is just that: a number. It does not make me a better friend, daughter, sister or teacher. My value does not come from my weight or my BMI. Rather, my value comes from a Savior who has bestowed His own righteousness upon me.
May I never forget.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
My Eating Disorder Story Part 1: "A Glamorous Girl's Disease"
Two weeks ago, I posted a Facebook status celebrating 12 years of
freedom from anorexia and bulimia. I received an overwhelming number of
"likes" and encouraging comments, and was blessed to see people
praising God for His healing work in my life.
I also received questions. I welcomed this because, the whole reason I have chosen to be open about my past is because I want to help others who may be facing the same lies I once believed. I try to answer these questions individually, but, I also felt I should address some things publicly as a preventative approach. Please understand that I write from the perspective of someone who dealt with anorexia and bulimia as a teenage girl- I know that eating disorders know no culture, gender, or age group, and they can take on many, many forms besides obsessive dieting and weight control, but I am addressing that which I personally have experienced. I plan to make this a three-part blog addressing some of the issues that lead to my eating disorder, and how people with the best of intentions may be inadvertently putting more people at risk.
One of the primary reasons I slipped into disordered eating was the continued "glamorization" of eating disorders by society. I saw a slew of movies- some were popular "teen movies" at the time, others were "after school specials" shown in health class or even in church settings to address eating disorders. Some of these movies included "Center Stage," "The Karen Carpenter Story," "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret" and "Secret Between Friends." All of these movies portrayed heroines or close supporting roles with eating disorders, and they were all portrayed as glamorous, popular, and successful. In many of these movies, the eating disorder is almost portrayed as some sort of secret weapon that women used to achieve their goals. In the true story "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret," the main character uses disordered eating to stay thin and succeed in modeling. The narrator (the real-life Mary Margaret) even explains that she hid her bulimia by vomiting into containers in her bedroom and disposing of them in secret, so her parents wouldn't wonder why she spent time in the bathroom after every meal- not only was I learning that eating disorders were a key to success, but I learned ways that I could hide my struggle from my parents. Often, these movies had a similar ending- the character's health goes into jeopardy, and everyone, including absentee parents, the mean girls from school, or the main character's crush, come out of the woodwork to support them and encourage them to recover, and all their life's problems are solved.
Outside of the movies, there were true stories with less happy endings, but with a similar message- eating disorders are what models, ballerinas, and any other beautiful women use to succeed. In the minds of many teenage girls (including my own) eating disorders were perceived more and more as a key to success and less and less like the nightmare they really are.
This might seem irrational, but there are some key points to keep in mind. First, for a teen girl or a young woman (or for any human!) popularity, success, and beauty are end-all goals. Even for a teen who is actively walking with the Lord (as I was trying to do!), it is often beyond their maturity levels and their understanding of life to know that popularity, success, and physical beauty are not worth the price of one's health. Second, we all hear the word "addiction," and know what it means, but we all believe addiction isn't something that can happen to us. We all think we are strong enough to experiment with something addictive and drop it whenever we want- if we were in touch with reality, no one would ever fall prey to addiction. Myself and many of my peers subconsciously believed that we could play around with anorexia and bulimia until we reached whatever goal we were after, and then could stop and resume normal eating and exercise habits. Finally, keep in mind this is all subconscious- the first time I tried making myself throw up at age 11, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand the psychological connection I had made between being pretty, popular, and lovable, and with disordered eating. Because it was ground so deeply into me, it would take much more than a simple, "You know that doesn't make you any prettier, right?" to reverse.
I think anyone who has recovered from an eating disorder will testify that it did nothing to increase their success or their physical beauty- and, even if it had, it's simply not worth the physical or emotional pain. Even people who were overweight and dropped to an "ideal" weight through anorexia or bulimia will often say that the emotional torment and physical health issues were not worth it (and that the weight-loss didn't last). Personally, I rarely talk to high school or even college friends any more, and, when I do, none of them remember who was popular or won what award in high school. Personally, I did eventually had some success in modeling and pageantry, but that came years after I was fully recovered- in fact, I often work to gain healthy muscle weight before a modeling audition or pageant.
Similarly, almost any survivor of anorexia or bulimia will remember the moment when they wanted to stop, but realized they couldn't. I can remember at age 15, trying to get through a school day with severe pain in my throat and in my abdominal muscles (I must have pulled them while purging) and thinking that I needed to stop before I hurt myself in a worse way- but it would be another two years before I would recover, and only then after I found the courage to seek professional help. My counselor told me that an eating disorder is much like an abusive relationship- there is a constant voice telling you that you must stick with it and accept the pain that it causes, or your whole life will fall apart. Increased popularity and success will not come from eating disorders, but addiction and pain almost always will.
I write this blog first as a plea to anyone who may be falling for the lie that anorexia or bulimia (or any other self-destructive behavior) will somehow put you on a path towards reaching "life goals". Please hear me when I say there is nothing glamorous or beneficial about disordered eating- it will consume you physically, emotionally, and financially. If you find you are already trapped in addiction, please know that healing can begin when you ask for help- no, your crush might not rush to your side to support you, but there are counselors and doctors who will support you and who will want nothing more than to see you restored to health.
I also write this blog as a plea to our society, particularly those who are in leadership or role model positions toward teen girls. Please think twice before showing a movie or reading a story about an eating disorder survivor- ask yourself if this story portrays eating disorders as a secret to success, or a "glamorous girls' disease"? Maybe the character in question goes through horrific health issues or even dies, but again, remember that no one believes the addiction aspect will actually happen to them. Be aware of how you talk about eating disorders and weight in general- is someone with an eating disorder a "poor, innocent person who has been lied to by the media," whereas someone who is overweight is "lazy and driving up healthcare costs?" Do you talk about models or any other "glamorous" profession with the assumption that disordered eating is the only way to succeed in that industry? You might hear yourself saying, "It's not worth it," but so many young women will hear, "If you want to make it, it you want to be loveable or successful, stop eating now!"
I welcome responses, in agreement or argument. This is my personal experience and the experience of other young women I have known, but everyone has a different story. The only way we can make these stories known is to share them and talk about them!
I also received questions. I welcomed this because, the whole reason I have chosen to be open about my past is because I want to help others who may be facing the same lies I once believed. I try to answer these questions individually, but, I also felt I should address some things publicly as a preventative approach. Please understand that I write from the perspective of someone who dealt with anorexia and bulimia as a teenage girl- I know that eating disorders know no culture, gender, or age group, and they can take on many, many forms besides obsessive dieting and weight control, but I am addressing that which I personally have experienced. I plan to make this a three-part blog addressing some of the issues that lead to my eating disorder, and how people with the best of intentions may be inadvertently putting more people at risk.
One of the primary reasons I slipped into disordered eating was the continued "glamorization" of eating disorders by society. I saw a slew of movies- some were popular "teen movies" at the time, others were "after school specials" shown in health class or even in church settings to address eating disorders. Some of these movies included "Center Stage," "The Karen Carpenter Story," "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret" and "Secret Between Friends." All of these movies portrayed heroines or close supporting roles with eating disorders, and they were all portrayed as glamorous, popular, and successful. In many of these movies, the eating disorder is almost portrayed as some sort of secret weapon that women used to achieve their goals. In the true story "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret," the main character uses disordered eating to stay thin and succeed in modeling. The narrator (the real-life Mary Margaret) even explains that she hid her bulimia by vomiting into containers in her bedroom and disposing of them in secret, so her parents wouldn't wonder why she spent time in the bathroom after every meal- not only was I learning that eating disorders were a key to success, but I learned ways that I could hide my struggle from my parents. Often, these movies had a similar ending- the character's health goes into jeopardy, and everyone, including absentee parents, the mean girls from school, or the main character's crush, come out of the woodwork to support them and encourage them to recover, and all their life's problems are solved.
Outside of the movies, there were true stories with less happy endings, but with a similar message- eating disorders are what models, ballerinas, and any other beautiful women use to succeed. In the minds of many teenage girls (including my own) eating disorders were perceived more and more as a key to success and less and less like the nightmare they really are.
This might seem irrational, but there are some key points to keep in mind. First, for a teen girl or a young woman (or for any human!) popularity, success, and beauty are end-all goals. Even for a teen who is actively walking with the Lord (as I was trying to do!), it is often beyond their maturity levels and their understanding of life to know that popularity, success, and physical beauty are not worth the price of one's health. Second, we all hear the word "addiction," and know what it means, but we all believe addiction isn't something that can happen to us. We all think we are strong enough to experiment with something addictive and drop it whenever we want- if we were in touch with reality, no one would ever fall prey to addiction. Myself and many of my peers subconsciously believed that we could play around with anorexia and bulimia until we reached whatever goal we were after, and then could stop and resume normal eating and exercise habits. Finally, keep in mind this is all subconscious- the first time I tried making myself throw up at age 11, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand the psychological connection I had made between being pretty, popular, and lovable, and with disordered eating. Because it was ground so deeply into me, it would take much more than a simple, "You know that doesn't make you any prettier, right?" to reverse.
I think anyone who has recovered from an eating disorder will testify that it did nothing to increase their success or their physical beauty- and, even if it had, it's simply not worth the physical or emotional pain. Even people who were overweight and dropped to an "ideal" weight through anorexia or bulimia will often say that the emotional torment and physical health issues were not worth it (and that the weight-loss didn't last). Personally, I rarely talk to high school or even college friends any more, and, when I do, none of them remember who was popular or won what award in high school. Personally, I did eventually had some success in modeling and pageantry, but that came years after I was fully recovered- in fact, I often work to gain healthy muscle weight before a modeling audition or pageant.
Similarly, almost any survivor of anorexia or bulimia will remember the moment when they wanted to stop, but realized they couldn't. I can remember at age 15, trying to get through a school day with severe pain in my throat and in my abdominal muscles (I must have pulled them while purging) and thinking that I needed to stop before I hurt myself in a worse way- but it would be another two years before I would recover, and only then after I found the courage to seek professional help. My counselor told me that an eating disorder is much like an abusive relationship- there is a constant voice telling you that you must stick with it and accept the pain that it causes, or your whole life will fall apart. Increased popularity and success will not come from eating disorders, but addiction and pain almost always will.
I write this blog first as a plea to anyone who may be falling for the lie that anorexia or bulimia (or any other self-destructive behavior) will somehow put you on a path towards reaching "life goals". Please hear me when I say there is nothing glamorous or beneficial about disordered eating- it will consume you physically, emotionally, and financially. If you find you are already trapped in addiction, please know that healing can begin when you ask for help- no, your crush might not rush to your side to support you, but there are counselors and doctors who will support you and who will want nothing more than to see you restored to health.
I also write this blog as a plea to our society, particularly those who are in leadership or role model positions toward teen girls. Please think twice before showing a movie or reading a story about an eating disorder survivor- ask yourself if this story portrays eating disorders as a secret to success, or a "glamorous girls' disease"? Maybe the character in question goes through horrific health issues or even dies, but again, remember that no one believes the addiction aspect will actually happen to them. Be aware of how you talk about eating disorders and weight in general- is someone with an eating disorder a "poor, innocent person who has been lied to by the media," whereas someone who is overweight is "lazy and driving up healthcare costs?" Do you talk about models or any other "glamorous" profession with the assumption that disordered eating is the only way to succeed in that industry? You might hear yourself saying, "It's not worth it," but so many young women will hear, "If you want to make it, it you want to be loveable or successful, stop eating now!"
I welcome responses, in agreement or argument. This is my personal experience and the experience of other young women I have known, but everyone has a different story. The only way we can make these stories known is to share them and talk about them!
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