"Beautiful"

I hear your thoughts right now.
I see you looking at that magazine, at that false image of beauty, asking why you don’t look that way.
I hear you listing all the things that you believe are wrong with you, and planning all the things you want to do to change yourself, so that you can look like those images, so that you will be loved and adored.

Come with Me for a moment, My daughter…
Step outside. Watch as the sun dips below the horizon and swirls the last of the day’s light across the sky.  Look at the array of colors it leaves behind.  I painted those colors.

 See the brilliance of the stars, sparkling against the blackness of the night.  Take in the intricate constellations, which have captured the eyes and hearts of mankind for centuries.  I placed those stars there, and I call each one by name.

Look at the majesty of the mountain range.  I sculpted that with My own hands.  Now, look closely at a rose.  I also sculpted it’s petals and arranged them in their swirling formation, painted it in the perfect color, and gave it life to bloom and bring forth it’s fragrance. 

Gaze upon the ocean- see how perfectly every wave rises and crests before crashing against the shore, reflecting the colors of the sky.  Go below its surface, and take in the colors and shapes of the life below- the great coral reef and the colorful fish dancing over it in perfect formation, the great blue whales and silver dolphins breaking the surface with perfect grace.  This is all My work, My creativity.  No beautician, make-up artist, plastic surgeon, personal trainer, or fashion designer could capture such beauty.

 I had no inspiration, no photograph or image to follow as I made this.  My creation is a reflection of My own glory, My own beauty.  I am the One who sits high and exalted on the throne, and the train of My robe fills the temple.  The seraphim cover their feet and their faces in My presence, calling out to one another, “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!  The whole Earth is filled with His Glory!”

The whole Earth is filled with My Glory.  My creation points back to My power, My sovereignty, My perfect Holiness.

And you, My daughter, are a part of that creation.

The Earth was not complete without you.  You were not a nice touch or finishing decoration; you are the crown of My work.  You are the bearer of My image, a reflection of My perfect beauty.

And I am enthralled by your beauty.  So much that, when you were enslaved by sin, I left my throne to set you free.  I laid down My life to restore yours, so that the black stains of sin which marred your beauty could be washed away. 

The world tries to sell you it’s false beauty.  Beauty that saps your strength as you strive to obtain it, that always leaves you feeling like you need “just a bit more” to be perfect.

But how can the world know what beauty really is without knowing Me, when I AM Beauty itself?  What right does this world have to look upon you, made in My own image, and tell you that you are not beautiful?

I, the Creator of the Universe, the Author of Life, the Sustainer of all the lives and breathes, Artist of all things beautiful, I am The One who designed you, who formed every fiber of your being, who breathed life into you. 

And I have called you Beautiful.  

Worship: I'm not doing it right?

First off, let me give a disclaimer: in the past ten years I have been through numerous different churches and Bible studies in numerous contexts and cultures.  I have experienced many different styles of worship, all lead by people who clearly love the Lord with all their hearts and want nothing more than to praise Him.  I am so thankful for these people who allow God to use them to lead others before His throne in worship.  I appreciate all the hard work you put in to using your musical gifts to honor The One who gave them to you.

That being said, if any of you who have lead me in worship over the past couple of years (or in the past 27 years!) happen to read this, please know that it isn't geared at any one of you.  This is a trend I am seeing in more and more in contemporary church and worship settings, and it's something that I, too, bought into until just recently.  And, I'm wondering if I'm even correct in thinking this way.  So, please know that I am not pointing the finger at any worship pastors or worship leaders- I'm simply trying to get people thinking with me, and hoping that some kind of God-honoring conclusion can be drawn.

I grew up in a conservative church.  Think pews in rows with hymnbook holders in the back of them, and an actual pulpit- not a podium that could easily be pulled on and off the stage as the worship team exited and the pastor prepared to preach his sermon.  We didn't even have a "worship team" until I was in my early teens, just a piano and an organ.  One weekend when I was in 6th grade, my best friend and I planned to have a sleepover Saturday night and go to her church on Sunday morning (she came from a denomination that was known for much more emotional worship), and a well-meaning person counseled me beforehand, "Don't lift your hands while worshiping; that shows that you're trying to draw attention to yourself instead of God."  I mentioned my concern about "hand-raising" to my friend, and she reassured me that it was not mandated in her church...but she also pulled out her Bible and showed me plenty of verses that spoke of lifting our hands onto the Lord in worship.  I was only beginning to take my faith seriously at age 12, but it was in that moment that I decided no one but God was allowed to tell me how to worship Him.  If He wanted me to lift my hands, then, I would lift my hands.  I remember raising my hands just a bit that Sunday morning in my friend's church and feeling incredibly awkward (even though everyone else was lifting their hands, too) but, hey, if God wanted my hands up, I'd put them up!  Maybe there were times when it wasn't appropriate to lift my hands or worship expressively (such as at a Catholic mass, or even back at the conservative, traditional church that my parents attended), but, if I wasn't going to distract others from God, why should I worry about what they thought??

Six years later I had graduated high school and headed of to college.  I found in our weekly Intervarsity large group meetings, our "Gazebo" nights (where students gathered at a gazebo in the center of campus for a time of worship), and the large, contemporary church I attended, it was much more the norm to lift your hands, get on your knees, or whatever else you felt like doing before the Lord.  My relationship with God grew by leaps and bounds during my college years; He used many means to reveal Himself to me and draw me closer to Him, but one of the most prominent was discovering what it meant to truly worship Him with reckless abandon, and realize that all that I could give Him in worship was just a drop in the ocean of what He deserved.

And then, I started realizing something I was hearing and seeing in worship services: I have heard worship leaders telling church attendants, "If you're not excited about God right now, I don't know if you know God."  I guess that's true; as you come to understand the character and the many attributes of a perfect God, it's impossible not to get excited.  If worship leaders just left it there, I would agree wholeheartedly.  But, many times over the years, I've heard that statement followed with, "You should be lifting your hands, jumping up and down, screaming these songs at the top of your lungs!  You need to be excited about God!"

Uh...

I think back to that moment in 6th grade when I resolved that no one would tell me how to worship God.  At that time, I was specifically thinking that no one would tell me I couldn't lift my hands or express myself in any way other than singing.  How was that any different than people telling me I needed to be jumping up and down screaming during worship, that doing so proved my salvation or my maturity in my faith?

One thing I have come to realize does not honor God: trying to be something I'm not in order to please others.  During my time on the mission field this past year, one thing that God was continually drilling into me was, "You're an introvert.  I made you an introvert.  Don't try to change that, just be who I made you to be."  I think I had been hearing the "You need to be jumping around and screaming if you love Jesus!" line for many years, and I think I believed it- hey, I have an acting background and I was a cheerleader in high school; I can jump around and act excited.  But, with the realization that introversion is part of my God given design came the other realization that I don't have to express myself in a way that is unnatural to me.  There are some times when I feel like falling on my knees and lifting my hands as high as I can...but, usually, I don't.  My heart can be fully fixed on God and on worshiping Him, but I don't feel the need to express myself outwardly by doing more than maybe lifting my hands or maybe kneeling...if anything at all.  As far as the "screaming the words at the top of your lungs," I don't have a very loud singing voice.  Trying to scream the songs at the top of my lungs will probably result in a sore throat and vocal-chord damage...but, I really don't think the volume of worship itself is what brings glory to God!  If He can hear my innermost thoughts; I'm sure He can hear my soft singing voice just fine!  I could pretend to be an extroverted, expressive worshiper...but I won't fool God.  All I would be doing would be trying to appease others present, trying to prove that, yes, I am a born again Believer; yes, I am mature in my faith- see?  I'll wave my hands in the air and scream until my throat hurts to prove it!!  Meanwhile, God would probably be watching me, shaking His head and saying, "Are you trying to please Me, your Maker, or other men with your 'worship'?  If it's the former, than be who I made you to be!!"

I'm not saying worship should always feel comfortable or natural.  I'm not saying that coming before the throne of God shouldn't stir our hearts in wild and crazy ways.  I'm definitely not saying that it's wrong to be an expressive worshiper who jumps up and down and screams out songs.  What I have a problem with is being told that I need to worship a certain way, or my love for the Lord will be brought into question.  I want to look at the worship leaders who say that and ask, "Are you worshiping right now, or are you watching me and critiquing my worship?"  If we want others to worship God, shouldn't we be modeling by giving Him our wholehearted worship, instead of focusing on others and telling them they're doing it wrong?

Some of the most meaningful times of musical worship that I have experienced have begun with a Bible passage or a reflection that point to who God is- how Holy, Awesome, and Merciful He is.  That He is worthy of all that we can give Him and so much more.  That's when my heart can focus on Him, and nothing else matters- I forget if I'm tired, stressed, looking forward to something after the service, or worried about what someone else thinks of me.  It becomes all about Him, and that's exactly what I want my worship to be about.

As Long As It Takes...

This past week was sure to be emotionally charged, no matter what.  After an amazing seven months on the mission field in Spain, I flew home, had one week with my family, my Wausau friends, and my church family, and then repacked up my life and headed off to Minneapolis to begin graduate school.  There was no way to make a smooth transition as campus move-in day was on Saturday and classes began on Monday (and I don't mean one or two classes- this is an intensive program!).

During this time, God showed Grace to me in more ways than one, including the blessing of a new friend, (the daughter of a former coworker) who invited me to come to church with her on Sunday and then helped me with some post-move shopping.  As Jess and I reflected on the sermon after church and discussed God's recent work in our lives, one thing she mentioned was the conviction that, during hard times, she needed to tell God, "Take as long as You need to to refine me and complete Your work in my life." (Not that God "needs" any amount of time- just trying to use human concepts that we can wrap our minds around!!)  It is so easy in times of frustration or despair to cry out, "God, what are You trying to show me here?? Hurry up and teach it to me, and then get me out of this!!"  I shared my agreement with what Jess was saying, but I didn't know how much I would be put to the test in the days that followed!

Monday came with hard news from home- myself and some of those closest to me were shocked and grieved.  On Wednesday, I went to make a withdrawal at an ATM and discovered only $35 in my account, just days after receiving a large refund from my financial aid (which was supposed to last me the entire summer).  I rushed home and checked my checking account online, discovering a long list of charges which were not mine.  Of course the law is on my side, but it meant precious hours of study time spent on the phone with various companies, and not having access to my money for several days since I had to immediately cancel my check card.  Then, yesterday, I climbed into my car (which my parents just gave to me last week to help me get through grad school and student teaching) to go pick up Jess for Bible study and found it wouldn't start.  I just needed this car to last me one more year- was it really going to quit on me the first week of school, on top of everything else??   A phone call home to my dad and a bit of detective work revealed that the problem was a dead battery- fixable, but with no access to my own checking account and no knowledge of Minneapolis, how was I supposed to get it fixed?  As I sat alone in my room last night trying to focus on some worship music, I remembered the conversation with Jess that I had a week before.

I wanted to know what God was doing.  Was He trying to keep me dependent on my parents at age 27?  Was He telling me that I shouldn't have gone to graduate school (after I prayed so hard for His will to be made clear to me, and U of MN was the only door that opened)?  Why couldn't He just tell me what He wanted to and then let my life go back to normal?!

But He never promised me that trials would be quick or that His work in my life would be instant.  It was time for me to look to Him and say, "Take as long as You choose to do Your work in my life, Lord.  I trust You, and I will wait on You."

I'm not sure what God's purpose in all this is- to remind me to depend on Him even when I am independent of everyone else?  To reinforce the importance of having my finances in order?  To keep me from something more dangerous (a purchase I would have regretted or driving my car into danger?).  But I know He has a purpose, and He will fulfill it.  I know He is too good to fail me and too powerful for circumstances to interfere with His plan for my life.  He is God, He is worthy of my praise and my trust, and He can take all the time He chooses to take to refine me and to glorify Himself in it all.