First off, let me clarify something:
I have been a part of six different churches throughout the past 28 years (and countless other Christian circles), and I am in the process of settling into the seventh- which I hope will be my last! I have deliberately changed churches once (for a long list of small reasons; not a particularly drastic theological shift); every other change has come with a change in my geographical location. What I am about to discuss is not directed at any of the churches I have attended, or at anyone who has attended there with me. I am going off of my own experiences, as well as the experiences of my single friends and acquaintances and even fellow bloggers. This issue arises across the board, and people are not even aware that it is an issue because it is done in complete innocence, with the best of intentions...but it can actually cause a lot of heartache and possible disfunction within a church.
I think it's a scenario we've all seen: a seemingly-single woman walks into a church for Sunday service. People notice her, and many go out of their ways to connect with her and make sure she feels welcome in the church. As people get to know her, it comes up that yes, she is indeed single, and she is hoping and praying that the Lord has a husband and a family in her future. So, people immediately start thinking of the single men they know- either within that same church, or that they know from work, school, the Bible study they attend outside of church- and start telling her all about this really great, Christian guy they know who would be "just perfect" for her, and she should really start thinking about him.
Right there is where the problem comes in.
She should really start thinking about him...why??
I'm not talking about someone setting up two good friends for a blind date, or inviting them both to a group event to give them a chance to meet and see if they will hit it off. I'm talking about people who start telling a single gal all about this great single guy, whether it's intended in good fun or seriousness, but all they ever do is tease her about him, ask her what she thinks of him, ask her if anything is happening between the two of them, as if her life is a sitcom where all the viewers know she and this guy are going to end up together and are just waiting for it to actually happen.
This is problematic on so many levels for so many reasons. I could write an entire book on the headaches and heartaches that I, along with so many other single women that I know, have experienced as a result of this, or the confusion that I've seen brought into Christian circles because of it, but I'll just list a few of them:
1. It does NOT encourage a woman to guard her heart!
Christian men are (rightfully!) taught to be cautious of leading women on with flirty texts, long heart-to-heart talks, or romantic gestures when he doesn't intend to follow through. Such behavior sets unsuspecting women up for a major heartbreak. However, women can set themselves up for this same heartbreak by allowing themselves to zero in on a particular guy and dream about him being "the one." Once reality sets in and we realize he isn't our Prince Charming, it can be devastating, even if there was never a real relationship between us. We may not be as likely as men to struggle with lust or physical temptation (not to say we are immune to it!), but we are far more likely to struggle with guarding our hearts. You might think that teasing a woman about the new guy in your church or Bible study is good fun, but, truthfully, it can be a huge stumbling block which leads to a lot of unnecessary hurt for her in the end.
2. It's a distraction for her.
All Christians will probably agree that one of the blessings of singleness is that it allows us to better focus on serving the Lord and growing closer to Him. Why rob her of such a blessing by urging her to focus on that one "really great" single guy? Proverbs 4:23 commands us: "Above all else, guard your heart, because everything you do flows from it." When our hearts are focused on the Lord, it's easy to seek His calling on our lives and to strive to know Him more. However, when our hearts become focused on winning over a guy, the deeds that flow from our hearts can quickly shift from "What can I do out of love for Christ?" to "What can I do to get to know this guy better and get him to notice me?" Needless to say, when one person in a church or ministry starts serving with the wrong intentions, the entire body of believers can be affected.
3. It strips her of her identity
One of the biggest challenge a single man or woman faces when joining a new church or ministry can be trying to fit in with all the married couples and families. If other church or ministry members treat us as equal, encourage us to get involved and serve, invite us to events geared towards adults, etc, this barrier can be overcome. On the other hand, when the focus of every conversation seems to be about why we should think about so-and-so, asking if anything has happened lately in the romance department, teasing us about our future with this guy, etc, it carries a strong underlying message: "You need to change to be like us." Never mind that she shares in your love for the Lord and desires to serve Him as part of your church family or ministry group. Never mind the career, hobbies, or platforms that she may have in common with you- her identity becomes, "The Single Woman" who needs to be rescued from her single state so she can really fit in with everyone else.
4. It can get really, really awkward...or worse
If a woman is interested in the guy you're talking about (or, if listening to you portray him as a Knight in Shining Armor causes her to start falling for him), and things fall through, it can lead not only to heartache for her, but confused and broken relationships within a body. If he starts dating (or marries) somebody else, than she is left with feelings of bitterness and jealousy to deal with. If she has been entertaining romantic daydreams about him and he is the slightest bit friendly to her, she starts can quickly start to imagine that he is showing interest- and feel as though he "lead her on" when nothing comes of it. If she's not interested in him, ideally she should be able to just tell others, "Nah, that wouldn't work out," and be done...but does it ever work that way?? No, people need to know why she's not interested, and then need to try to convince her that she's wrong to not be interested in him. Newsflash: if she's not interested, she doesn't owe you an explanation.
And, sometimes, to be frank...trying to spark a woman's interest in a certain guy can be outright insulting. On more than one occasion, I have been pressured to like a guy with serious issues or character flaws because "I could help him," or even because "I'm being too picky." Really? REALLY?? Is singleness so horrible that I should "settle" for a guy who needs professional help before he can handle a relationship? Is it really too "picky" of me to want a guy who has his life together?
5. It's a distraction...to you.
Before I left for the mission field, I was shocked at how many people were hung up on their hopes that I was going to meet Mr. Right there. They were more interested in my love life than in the ministry I was taking part in overseas, the people I was ministering to, the people I was working with on the field, the intercultural experience I was having...sometimes, I wondered if these people were really praying for the requests that I sent out in my monthly newsletter, or if they just skimmed it for an engagement announcement and then deleted it when they didn't see one.
The Bible is full of commands for Christ-followers: Care for orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27), to preach the gospel to all of creation (Mark 16:15), to love one another as Christ has loved us (John 13:34), to love the Lord with all our hearts, souls, and minds (Matthew 22:37). Notice the command that doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible: cure the disease of singleness! Urge your single sisters to think about any and every available guy!
Around the world, there are orphans living in deplorable conditions. There are single mothers struggling to do it all. There are people who do not have the Bible in their language or have never heard the name of Jesus. There is a God who is worthy of our wholehearted worship and devotion. And we feel the need to sit around teasing a single gal about the latest eligible bachelor on the block? If you want her to "feel accepted" by your church family, if you want her to be "as happy as you are," than gather together members of your ministry or church family- singles, marrieds, parents, youth, seniors- and ask God to show you how He would have you, as a body of believers, obey these commands.
My plea on behalf of single women to the rest of the Church: Let God write our love stories. If He wants us single- whether it be for now or our entire lives- nothing good can come out of interfering with His plan. If He does have someone out there for us, than nothing will stop Him from bringing us together in His perfect timing. In the meantime, encourage us to serve Him and walk with Him. Be the kind of friend that, if we think God may be bringing someone special into our lives, we can turn to for prayer, support and accountability. Or, when we get tired of waiting and wondering if we are ever going to meet someone, when we wonder if there's something wrong with us that makes us undesirable, when we're asking why God has answered everyone else's prayer for a spouse but seems to be ignoring us, be the kind of friend who will listen without giving unsolicited advice, who will pray with us, who will speak TRUTH into our lives, not make false promises that God has someone out there for everyone, or that He will fulfill every desire we have.
As a single woman desiring marriage and a family, I have to choose daily to remember that my lack of a relationship is not what defines me, that God is good and He is Sovereign, and that He is the only one who can be entrusted with my whole heart. Believe me, it's a battle that I must continuously fight.
Can I count on my brothers and sisters in Christ to fight with me?
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