So How Did it Feel to Have an Eating Disorder?

"So, how did it feel to have an eating disorder?  I mean, how did you resist food all the time?"

This question was recently asked of me by a stranger in an online forum.  Of course, the beauty/problem of the internet is that it allows you to conceal your identity- I don't know if this person was a 50 year old man or a teenage girl.  It sounds like an innocent question- maybe a bit tactless, but innocent nonetheless.  However, I remember when I, like so many other people, was the one asking that question...and my curiosity threw me into a long, downward spiral that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I'm hoping I can answer that question here (maybe, if I can remember where that forum was, I'll send that person a link to this blog.)

Let me start with an analogy that most of us can relate to.  Have you ever thrown yourself into a project in a poorly ventilated room?  Maybe you were doing intense labor in a room that was already hot and stuffy, and whatever you were doing was kicking up dust (or worse) to add to the atmosphere.  Or maybe you were painting or polishing wood or gluing something with rubber cement, or coloring with magic markers, and didn't realize how suffocating the fumes were becoming?  Maybe you started to feel a little headachey or nauseous, but you were determined to get that project done, so you kept plugging through it.  When you finally finished, you stepped outside- and suddenly, the fresh air hits you.  You didn't realize how severe that headache or nausea had become until that breath of clean air starting curing it.  Why did you spend all day in that disgusting, polluted room?  Well, at least now you have a finished project to show for it, right?

In some ways, that's kind of how an eating disorder feels.  Let me explain.  As early as age nine or ten, I caught on to something about society: people who were overweight were perceived as lazy, disgusting, a burden to others, and ugly.  On the other hand, someone who was too thin was at best "lucky to have that problem," and at worse, "A poor, sick person who needs love and compassion."  Okay, so apparently being too skinny was waaaaay better than being heavy. 

I was also picking up on a message from the media- diet-product commercials and journalism stories talked about how people had gained weight and their lives had fallen apart, or how they had lost weight and their lives "were changed" for the better.  Plus, by junior high, I was being exposed to teen movies and stories that glamorized eating disorders.  It was always the prima ballerina, the head cheerleader, or the homecoming queen that was anorexic or bulimic.  In the worst of these movies, the eating disorder lands her in the hospital (for a whole three minutes of the movie) and the boy she likes comes rushing in to tell her he has loved her all this time and doesn't want to lose her, or her controlling parents sit beside her hospital bed apologizing for pushing her to this point and promising to listen to her from now on.  By the next scene, she's fully recovered, still looking like a model, and hand in hand with her new boyfriend or laughing with her parents about something. 

I remember in 6th grade, a few of my girlfriends and I discussed how we "wondered what it was like" to have an eating disorder.  I'm sure I wasn't the only one thinking that maybe MY life would be "changed forever" if I dropped some weight, or picturing my crush sitting beside my hospital bed begging me to get well so he could be my boyfriend.  At any rate, I was terrified of gaining weight (even though I knew I wasn't done growing yet) because gaining weight made one "disgusting," didn't it? 

So, one day when I was almost twelve, I gave in to my curiosity and my fear of gaining weight and tried making myself throw up- actually, I don't think it was the first time I tried, but it was the first time I succeeded.  And it didn't feel good at all, but, somehow, it felt like a great accomplishment to me.  From that point on, the suffocating fumes of addiction began to flow around me, but I refused to stop because I wanted to "finish" what I started.  I knew that my sore throat was caused by purging or that skipping lunch would mean I couldn't focus on my afternoon classes.  I knew that the headaches and nausea I felt were the result of disordered eating habits (although I wouldn't admit it to myself).  But I was determined to fit into size zero clothes and weigh under 100 pounds all my life, so I wouldn't give up. 

I remember a few times when I tried to stop- I remember meeting my friend's mom who had severe dental damage as a result of being sick and throwing up all the time, and fearing that bulimia would cause the same problem for me.  But I couldn't stop- the minute I was left home alone or had the chance to skip a meal unnoticed, I would find myself slipping again.  Food had control over me- I was either terrified of it, or I was turning to it for comfort or stress relief, followed by painful episodes of purging.  I was willing to sacrifice my own integrity for it- I'd lie to cover up my disordered habits, or steel food and hide it...and then I wondered who I was.  Didn't I claim to be a follower of Christ?  Wasn't I looked up to as a leader in my church youth group and school Bible club?  Why was I doing all this?!  Of course, the stress those questions caused me only lead me to more episodes of binging and purging or starving myself. 

Freedom finally came for me one night when I was seventeen and a senior in high school.  I was on a retreat with my church group and listened to a message about offering myself as a "Living Sacrifice," to God.   For the first time, I saw my eating disorder not as just a bad habit, but as an addiction and a sin...a sin that God wanted me to give over to Him so that I could find freedom in Him.  When my youth pastor initiated an alter call, I went forward and knelt down to surrender my struggle to God.  Afterwards, I confessed to the other girls and female youth leaders, and then went with my three closest friends to call my parents and tell them the truth.  I had expected judgment (so much for the fantasies in the movies) but only received assurance that I was loved and that my friends and family would stick by me on the road to recovery.

That was when I stepped out of the stuffy, fume-filled room into the fresh air.  I had forgotten what it was like to be free of addiction and to have food as an alli, rather than an enemy of my health.  I had not realized how much my eating disorder had taken over my life until I remembered what it was like to be physically and emotionally healthy.

There's one way, though, that my opening analogy fails: after I stepped out of that addiction-polluted room into the fresh air of freedom, there was no successful, completed "project" to show for it.  I wasn't any more pretty, popular, or successful than I would have been without the pain and suffering I'd put myself through.  I try not to dwell on what could have been, but sometimes I wonder how my teen years would have been different if I had committed to a healthy lifestyle, rather than allowing an eating disorder to overtake me.  I played tennis from 8th to 12th grade, and I doubt I could have been a star, but maybe I would have won more matches or made the lower end of varsity if I had been physically healthier.  Maybe I could have done better academically if I had been more energized and able to focus on school.  I guess those are questions that can never be answered.  I am extremely blessed in that I recovered physically 100% from my eating disorder- I have heard horror stories of people facing lifelong medical issues, ranging from not being able to lay down unless their stomach is empty (or else they'll throw up) to sterility. 

So, to the person who asked me, I hope that answers your question.  I am so grateful for God's forgiveness, mercy, and healing power...but, if I had the chance to travel back in time to any day of my life, I would choose that day when I was twelve, and just never take that first step.

Since I've been Gone...

Hi everyone!

Well, those of you who also read my "Spain" blog (www.hannahinspain2012.wordpress.com ) know what's going on, but here's a quick summary for the rest:

I spent the month of July in Greenwood, Indiana at the One Mission Society headquarters in training for my upcoming mission to Spain.  Among everyone who was there for training, the regions of origin included Wisconsin, Texas, Arizona, Mississippi, Canada, Ukraine, Australia, and Northern Ireland, and the regions we were headed to included Ecuador, the Republic of Ireland, Mexico, Haiti, Spain, Ukraine, and east Africa.  There were four married couples (two of which had their children with them) and four singles including myself.  It was great to be a part of this group and grow close to my brothers and sisters in Christ from around the world.  What a powerful reminder that we are one body who answers to the God of the universe!

While I was in Greenwood, I was asked to accept a different assignment from what I had planned in Spain.  I was supposed to be teaching English to adults (in an informal setting), but the field really needs me to teach ESL full-time at the Evangelical Christian Academy.  This school is for children of missionaries, and I will be teaching ESL (which will include some Missionary Kids and possibly some Spain natives).  I admit that I'm accepting this assignment with mixed emotions- since it was dropped in my lap, I know that only God could have arranged this.  At the same time, I feel pretty unprepared to take on my own classroom in another country, and I was discouraged because I felt like I would be less "important" on the field since I wouldn't be directly evangelizing to the people of Spain.

However, I'm continually reminded that I have no reason to be discouraged- I remember feeling overwhelmed like this one year ago when I first received my Americorps assignment, and, looking back, I could not have asked for a better assignment.  I had hoped to be placed in a middle or high school, but instead I was assigned to a 4-year-old-kindergarten class for Hispanic newcomers.  Looking back, I am awed by how blessed I was to work with students who wanted to start and end each day by giving me a hug, or to have a supervising teacher who became a role-model and friend to me (thanks, Samantha!).  I shouldn't doubt that God is able to do it all over again as I head into this next venture.  In addition, He has made it clear to me that my position is one that IS needed on the field, even if it isn't what I had anticipated.  Just a few nights ago during a presentation to my potential supporters, one of my churchmates spoke up and said she was the product of a MK school and she wouldn't be who she was today without the teachers that God had placed in her path.

Another hard fact for me to accept was the possibility (looking more and more imminent) that I will actually be leaving in January 2012 instead of Sept 2011.  My biggest concern is that my position with Americorps is done at the end of this month, so I don't know what I will do for work until January.  I HAVE applied for adjunct faculty at Northcentral Technical college and am taking a course to get my substitute teaching permit, so I'm hoping that one or both of these opportunities work out for me (just, please, no more call centers or minimum-wage jobs!!).  There is still a chance that my support could come in miraculously by the end of this month, (which I am praying for!!), but, whatever happens, I'm so glad I know that God is sovereign and His plans are never a day late!!

Downhere's "Let me Rediscover You"

Your spirit hovers over my waters
Your love burns longer than the sun
The skies of thunder echo Your wonder
Your praises can't be over - sung

The whole Universe is witness
To only a part of what You've done
So let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover You

You see my weakness, my pride, my blindness
You wield your power through them all
Of all the mysteries, still, the greatest to me
Is that you're faithful when I fall

How can I say I know You
When what I know is still so small?
Let me rediscover You and breathe in me Your life anew
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover You

Let me cry "Holy, Holy, Holy"
Let me awaken to your majesty
And see a glimmer of your glory
Let me abide in you

let me rediscover You
and by Your grace I'll follow through
reveal to me the God I thought I knew

let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
And let me rediscover You

Oh, let me rediscover You
Tell me of the God I never knew
Jesus, let me rediscover You.

Desperate

Ever committed yourself to something and then thought, "What did I just get myself into?"

As I prepare for my time on the mission field, I am reminded that I will be headed into a very post-modern, liberal culture to share God's plan for Salvation.  I don't know the post-modern mindset.  I could go into a crisis pregnancy center and share my story with women who may be considering an abortion.  I could go into an eating-disorder ward and tell the patients that I know their pain.  Or I could just keep working with children, like I enjoy doing now.

But God hasn't called me to spend this next year doing crisis pregnancy, eating disorder, or children's ministry.  He's called me to something completely out of my comfort zone.  He's called me to raise $22,000 to do it, knowing that I am not quite making minimum wage with Americorps, nor do I have a "sales" personality that will make fundraising easy, and that unemployment rates are sky-high and no one has money burning a hole in their pocket.  He's called me to go without clear direction- I know the missions org has everything under control for the year that I will be there, but I have no idea what to do when I get back to the US...will there be a job open?  Am I supposed to continue my education?  How will I pay for school? How about a car or a place to live?

This is a scary place to be in.  But I'm glad I'm here.

I'm reminded of just how desperately I need God.  I can't accomplish any of this on my own.  When everything falls into place and I look back, I will remember just how sovereign He is.  I will remember that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 

I can't wait to see this all happen and know that it's God in action.

Quiet my Heart by Brooke Barrett Smith

Funny how God speaks to me sometimes.

Today I attended a bridal shower for a friend that I have literally known all my life. I am so happy for her and felt so blessed to share her special day with her, but there was some internal battles going on. I realized that, out of all the girls I grew up attending church with, I am now the only one who isn't engaged or married. Plus, it was hard to have other shower guests walk up to me and say, "Are you home for the weekend?" and having to tell them that no, I live at home and I have been living at home for over a year now.

I ended up going home feeling stressed out. Why is it that all my friends have found their careers and the men of their dreams, and I haven't? I am serving in Americorps until August and then I will be in Spain for a year, but what am I doing after that? Graduate school for teacher certification? How am I going to pay for it? And is it worth it, or will these changes taking place flood the market with unemployed teachers? If I'm not supposed to be a teacher, than what am I going to do with my life? And am I ever going to meet someone that I can spend the rest of my life with? Or am I never going to do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing: being a wife and a mom?

I was trying to wind down before bed and I was just browsing youtube, and I typed in Brooke Barretsmith out of curiosity- my brother was actually friends with her before she made it big in the music world, and I haven't had much opportunity to hear her. I clicked on this song, never having heard it before...and I knew a few lines into it that I hadn't clicked it by chance! What a great reminder from God to enjoy the moments I'm in and trust Him with the future!

My Latest Americorps Reflection: A Preschool Teacher's Prayer

For blog readers and facebook stalkers: I have to regularly write creative-ish snippets for our Americorps "Reflection Log" and this is my latest.  I'm not sure how it is going to go over since Americorps is supposed to be kind of like the Peacecorps a-religious a-political stance, but I thought I'd share it with the rest of the world in the hopes that some people would appreciate it!!!

(We talked in our training last Thursday about how, no matter how hard you try not to get attatched to students, you are going to find yourself wishing you could just take some students home with you.  However, the fact is, you HAVE to let them go at the end of each day and try not to spend all evening worrying about them.  I know this poem is not "politically correct," but, when you come to believe in and know God in a personal way, you can't keep Him out of any area of your life, including your work.   Quite frankly, the one thing that keeps me from driving myself crazy worrying is knowing that I can offer up my prayers for the students who concern me most!)

"A Preschool Teacher's Prayer"

The clock has ticked to 2:15,
Another day comes to an end.
I'm zipping coats, tying boots
And hugging goodbye my little friends.

I'll see them all again tomorrow
But until the morning light
It's only up to You, God,
To watch over them tonight.

For the girl who comes each morning
Who's so pretty and so smart,
But looks so sad, tired and hungry
That it just wrecks my heart:

If nobody notices,
Tonight when she comes home,
Will You please put Your arms around her
So she won't feel so alone?

And for the boy with the sweet smile
Who's parents just can't make ends meet,
Will You keep them warm on this cold night
And please make sure they eat?

And the one who's scared to come to school,
God, please let her know
That 'though the chemo took her hair
She's still so beautiful.

You have a universe to run,
But You care for the sparrows to,
So if I care for these little angels,
Then, I'm sure, so do You.

I'd take them all into my own home
If that were something I could do,
But until they're safe with me again,
God, I lift them up to You.

Top 10 Ways to Annoy a Missionary-In-Preparation (WARNING: CONTAINS SARCASM AND EXAGERRATION!)

(Okay, a lot of these things do happen, and they are really, really, really annoying...but overall, don't take this too seriously!  I'm just getting it off my chest!)

10. "If I'm going to support you, you had better be working all the time, not just fooling around!"
No, it's not okay for someone to raise support for a "missions trip" and then go hang out in tourist spots for 6 days and spend one day evangelizing.  But being a missionary is a career, just like being a pastor, teacher, nurse, etc.  Missionaries need time off, they need to get out of their houses, they need to socialize and they need to recharge their batteries.  And, sometimes, depending on what atmosphere or culture they are in, they CAN'T minister (ie if they work in a school and students are on vacation, or if they are serving in Spain and it's the siesta hour).  If we aren't doing something unbiblical or spending ridiculous amounts of money, it shouldn't be an issue if we have a day or weekend off here or there.  Hey, sometimes, we even need to *gasp* eat and sleep!

9. "You need to see this place, and this place, and this event, or all your time there is wasted."
On the other hand, we are not international students and we are NOT tourists!  We are in our host areas to minister to the people there.  I think the most annoying thing I here is when missionaries come home from warmer places and everyone asks why they are so pale.  Well...shocker, they don't use your support money to go hang out on the beach all day!

8. "Did you hear about the national tragedy that just happened in the country you are going to?"
Well, maybe we did...or maybe we didn't notice it, since national tragedies happen every day all over the world!  No country or region is 100% safe!  No missions organization wants to kill off their missionaries; they will all take the time to prepare us to be safe in our host areas.  And, if they don't feel like they can safetly send missionaries there, they probably won't.  Of course, it should go without saying that the safest place to be is in the will of God!

7. You have a new facebook post: "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR GOING TO ANTIRELIGIONLAND AND CONVERTING THEM ALL TO CHRISTIANITY!"
It's the 21st century, people!  In some countries, the government can intercede social networking and email (or even snailmail), no matter how high your privacy settings may be!  And, if they read something about a missions work in a country where religion is oppressed, we could receive a one-way ticket back home...or much, much worse.  Before contacting a missionary, make sure that there is no coded language that you are supposed to be using for their protection.  Even if a missionary is in an area of religious freedom, keep in mind that the people they are ministering to may very well see the messages you send, and may end their relationship with us if they feel we are going to try to convert them or push religion on them.

6. "I'm an expert on the region you're going too..."
Unless you've spent time in the same region (and a vacation at a resort doesn't count!) you are NOT an expert, especially compared to those who have gone before us.  Please, rather than bombarding us with unsolicited travel/culture advice, let us learn from our missions organization and other veterans that we might network with.  Unsolicited and unreliable advice just adds to our stress as we have to sort through and process it just to see if there is a grain of truth in it!

5. "Why are you going there?  This region needs you more, and this ministry is better than that one!"
You know...this one could actually have some credibility...if it's God who says it.  Otherwise, we don't need someone else trying to play the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives.  If you have such a passion for another ministry or region, maybe you should apply there, rather than trying to steer other missionaries there!

4. "Hey, isn't your sister/daughter/friend going to be a missionary?  Well, I want to support them but I need to know some gossip-er, I mean, INFORMATION- first!"
Okay, if you have questions or concerns, stop being a wuss/weasel and just ask us directly.  Our friends and family should not have to carry the burden of knowing all about our plans, and you are implying that you don't trust us to give you honest, informed answers to your questions. 

3. "Are you really qualified for this?  You have student loans.  You don't have a degree in ministry.  You don't speak the language there, you don't you don't you don't...."
Yes, we know we aren't heros and that we can't do anything on our own.  But we also know the cliche that "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."  Please don't help Satan perpetuate the lie that we shouldn't be going on the mission field because we aren't qualified to do God's work.  And, to answer the first three directly 1) Each individual missions group has their own policy on student loans or any other kind of debt, it is between the missionary and the org to work it out. 2) Not all- in fact, a lot of missions groups do not require a degree in ministry.  In fact, in some regions/ministries, it is better to NOT have a degree in ministry to avoid raising suspicions from the government and the people you will serve. 3) You can't learn a language without being immersed in it.  Most missionaries do not a have a strong grasp on a 2nd or 3rd language until they have been in their host countries for a while.

2. "What are you going to do if all your support doesn't come in?"
Mmm, I'm thinking I'll go be a bum and live off your tax payer dollars.  Sound good?
Okay, can you at least pretend to have faith in God to provide for us?  We are following what we believe to be God's calling on our lives right now, and even if we are mistaken, we are trusting Him to reveal His true plan for us when the time is right. 

And finally, the MOST annoying and frequent one I've gotten so far:

1. "You are going to meet Mr. Right on the missions field!  Yes you are!"
We go on the missions field to serve God and minister to others- NOT to find our future spouses!  Would you write a check to commit a monthly gift to someone to support their eharmony subscription?  No way!  So why would we ask people to support our mission if our only mission is to find "the one?"  The Church and our society send the constant message that singleness is a disease that we need to cure- even if the only cure is just settling for whoever will take us.  This lie makes it hard to focus on anything but finding a husband or wife- and we do NOT need distractions as we go off to the missions field.  Please, don't even joke around about this kind of thing with us; we need you to help us stay focused, not distract us.