Two weeks ago, I posted a Facebook status celebrating 12 years of
freedom from anorexia and bulimia. I received an overwhelming number of
"likes" and encouraging comments, and was blessed to see people
praising God for His healing work in my life.
I also
received questions. I welcomed this because, the whole reason I have
chosen to be open about my past is because I want to help others who may
be facing the same lies I once believed. I try to answer these
questions individually, but, I also felt I should address some things
publicly as a preventative approach. Please understand that I write
from the perspective of someone who dealt with anorexia and bulimia as a
teenage girl- I know that eating disorders know no culture, gender, or
age group, and they can take on many, many forms besides obsessive
dieting and weight control, but I am addressing that which I personally
have experienced. I plan to make this a three-part blog addressing some
of the issues that lead to my eating disorder, and how people with the
best of intentions may be inadvertently putting more people at risk.
One
of the primary reasons I slipped into disordered eating was the
continued "glamorization" of eating disorders by society. I saw a slew
of movies- some were popular "teen movies" at the time, others were
"after school specials" shown in health class or even in church settings
to address eating disorders. Some of these movies included "Center
Stage," "The Karen Carpenter Story," "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret"
and "Secret Between Friends." All of these movies portrayed heroines or
close supporting roles with eating disorders, and they were all
portrayed as glamorous, popular, and successful. In many of these
movies, the eating disorder is almost portrayed as some sort of secret
weapon that women used to achieve their goals. In the true story "The
Secret Life of Mary Margaret," the main character uses disordered eating
to stay thin and succeed in modeling. The narrator (the real-life Mary
Margaret) even explains that she hid her bulimia by vomiting into
containers in her bedroom and disposing of them in secret, so her
parents wouldn't wonder why she spent time in the bathroom after every
meal- not only was I learning that eating disorders were a key to
success, but I learned ways that I could hide my struggle from my
parents. Often, these movies had a similar ending- the character's
health goes into jeopardy, and everyone, including absentee parents, the
mean girls from school, or the main character's crush, come out of the
woodwork to support them and encourage them to recover, and all their
life's problems are solved.
Outside of the movies,
there were true stories with less happy endings, but with a similar
message- eating disorders are what models, ballerinas, and any other
beautiful women use to succeed. In the minds of many teenage girls
(including my own) eating disorders were perceived more and more as a
key to success and less and less like the nightmare they really are.
This
might seem irrational, but there are some key points to keep in mind.
First, for a teen girl or a young woman (or for any human!) popularity,
success, and beauty are end-all goals. Even for a teen who is actively
walking with the Lord (as I was trying to do!), it is often beyond their
maturity levels and their understanding of life to know that
popularity, success, and physical beauty are not worth the price
of one's health. Second, we all hear the word "addiction," and know
what it means, but we all believe addiction isn't something that can
happen to us. We all think we are strong enough to experiment with
something addictive and drop it whenever we want- if we were in touch
with reality, no one would ever fall prey to addiction. Myself and many
of my peers subconsciously believed that we could play around with
anorexia and bulimia until we reached whatever goal we were after, and
then could stop and resume normal eating and exercise habits. Finally, keep in mind this is all subconscious- the first time I tried making myself throw up at age 11, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand the psychological connection I had made between being pretty, popular, and lovable, and with disordered eating. Because it was ground so deeply into me, it would take much more than a simple, "You know that doesn't make you any prettier, right?" to reverse.
I
think anyone who has recovered from an eating disorder will testify
that it did nothing to increase their success or their physical beauty-
and, even if it had, it's simply not worth the physical or emotional
pain. Even people who were overweight and dropped to an "ideal" weight
through anorexia or bulimia will often say that the emotional torment
and physical health issues were not worth it (and that the weight-loss
didn't last). Personally, I rarely talk to high school or even college
friends any more, and, when I do, none of them remember who was popular
or won what award in high school. Personally, I did eventually had some
success in modeling and pageantry, but that came years after I was
fully recovered- in fact, I often work to gain healthy muscle weight
before a modeling audition or pageant.
Similarly,
almost any survivor of anorexia or bulimia will remember the moment when
they wanted to stop, but realized they couldn't. I can remember at age
15, trying to get through a school day with severe pain in my throat
and in my abdominal muscles (I must have pulled them while purging) and
thinking that I needed to stop before I hurt myself in a worse way- but
it would be another two years before I would recover, and only then
after I found the courage to seek professional help. My counselor told
me that an eating disorder is much like an abusive
relationship- there is a constant voice telling you that you must stick
with it and accept the pain that it causes, or your whole life will fall
apart. Increased popularity and success will not come from eating
disorders, but addiction and pain almost always will.
I
write this blog first as a plea to anyone who may be falling for the
lie that anorexia or bulimia (or any other self-destructive behavior)
will somehow put you on a path towards reaching "life goals". Please
hear me when I say there is nothing glamorous or beneficial about
disordered eating- it will consume you physically, emotionally, and
financially. If you find you are already trapped in addiction, please
know that healing can begin when you ask for help- no, your crush might
not rush to your side to support you, but there are counselors and
doctors who will support you and who will want nothing more than to see
you restored to health.
I also write this blog as a plea
to our society, particularly those who are in leadership or role model
positions toward teen girls. Please think twice before showing a movie
or reading a story about an eating disorder survivor- ask yourself if
this story portrays eating disorders as a secret to success, or a
"glamorous girls' disease"? Maybe the character in question goes
through horrific health issues or even dies, but again, remember that no
one believes the addiction aspect will actually happen to them. Be
aware of how you talk about eating disorders and weight in general- is
someone with an eating disorder a "poor, innocent person who has been
lied to by the media," whereas someone who is overweight is "lazy and
driving up healthcare costs?" Do you talk about models or any other
"glamorous" profession with the assumption that disordered eating is the
only way to succeed in that industry? You might hear yourself saying,
"It's not worth it," but so many young women will hear, "If you want to
make it, it you want to be loveable or successful, stop eating now!"
I
welcome responses, in agreement or argument. This is my personal
experience and the experience of other young women I have known, but
everyone has a different story. The only way we can make these stories
known is to share them and talk about them!
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