The Stories That Need to Be Told

This is the scariest blog I have ever written.  It's been floating around in my head for months, but it's never actually come together.

I think that will surprise a lot of people.  I am one to be open about my past and present.  I have no trouble telling people that I have battled and eating disorder or that I have extremely mild cerebral palsy.  And I feel the need to share this story for the same reason I have shared the others: 1) to shed light on a topic that is misunderstood by so many, especially given recent happenings in the news, and 2) to give God the glory for what He has done in my life.  The catch is, when you tell someone you were born with mild cerebral palsy or that you are recovered from disordered eating, no one in their right mind will look at you and say, "It's all your fault."

Coming out as a sexual assault survivor is another story.

We've all heard at least one of the comments, either referring to a news story or someone we know personally.  "She shouldn't have been drinking."  "He was asking for it."  "Why was she walking alone at night?" In some cases, like mine, the comments might be more marginalizing than blaming.  "Well, that happens to everybody at some point, it's no big deal."  "Poor boys these days, can't do anything without being accused of something."  "He was just a kid, how could he have known better?  You're making a big deal out of nothing."

Recently, many women I know have come out as fellow assault survivors, including members of my own family.  I have messaged them privately to thank them and tell them I can relate, but it's taken me many attempts to actually put my own story out there.  In some ways, it doesn't feel like my experience "counts."  It was a child-on-child assault; I was 8 years old and he was maybe ten or eleven.  I honestly didn't realize what was happening until after the fact, when a witness (the same age as my perpetrator) accused, "You had SEX with him!"

For the next three years, I carried my secret.  Between the shame that always comes after an assault and the "purity culture" of the 90's that taught that premarital sex was borderline unforgivable (yes, this was ground into me as early as grade school), I was convinced there was no way I could ever tell anyone what had happened without being ostracized for the rest of my life.  Because I hadn't understood what was happening until after the fact, I hadn't said, "No," or "Stop," - because I hadn't refused what he was doing, then I must have given him my consent and therefore I was guilty.  My perpetrator moved away and all contact was lost, but his peer who had witnessed the event continued to use it to blackmail me, threatening to spread the word if I didn't submit to their wishes.  Thankfully, they never demanded anything sexual from me, but I found myself in plenty of humiliating situations, taking the blame for something they had done.  I felt like a helpless puppet, controlled by a five-minute incident in my past, with no hope of escape- surely, not even God could hear my cries for help when I had committed such an atrocity.

But God heard my cries.  In fifth grade, I confided my story to a classmate who turned out to be one of the truest friends I have ever known.  I told her the story from the perspective of my own guilt, trying to explain that it had been "an accident," but somehow, at age 11, she was able to hear what had really happened.  Even though I swore her to secrecy, she took a great risk (knowing how mean 5th-grade girls could be when one betrayed another) and told our guidance counselor what I had told her.  On the last day of 5th grade the counselor came into our classroom, where I was cleaning out my desk, and asked me to come with her.  Once we were inside her office, the first words she said to me were, "[Classmate] told me that someone hurt you three years ago, and you are afraid to tell anyone."  I burst into tears of relief at her words.  "Hurt you."  Not, "You have a confession you need to make," or "You feel bad about something you did."  Someone acknowledged that I had been hurt.

My counselor contacted my parents (who were horrified and heartbroken for me) and referred all of us to a community counselor, and we began taking steps toward healing.  The peer witness eventually reached a level of maturity where they could see the seriousness of what had happened, and we were able to come to reconciliation.  I have no idea where my perpetrator is, and I have no desire to find out (and I trust my readers to respect that).  

My guidance counselor, the community counselor, and my parents were all wonderfully supportive of me through the healing process, but there was no magic moment when everything was "gone."  There were many reasons why I slipped into an eating disorder and was treated for anxiety, but I know that the shame and fear I felt after the assault were major factors.  Even writing this story brings back dark memories that will probably never go away completely on this side of eternity.  But, it's a story that needs to be told.

To anyone who has, works with, volunteers with, or cares about children, I beg you: listen when a child complains that someone else is bothering them.  I'm a teacher and I've spent many years volunteering in children's ministry at church; believe me, I know it's tiring to listen to tattling.  But if a child complains of intentional unwanted touching, it's not something they can be told to "just ignore" or "tell them to stop."  Children need to understand that their bodies are their own, and that they can count on trusted adults to defend them when others won't respect their boundaries.  The children who are doing the touching need to understand the seriousness of  their actions.  We keep saying "teach rapists not to rape," but is anyone actually telling children that they must leave someone else alone when told to do so (and enforcing the teaching with appropriate consequences)?

Parents, your children need to know the difference between "fighting" (intended to hurt or get revenge on someone) and "self-defense" (doing what you need to do to escape an unsafe situation)- and they also need to understand that, if they cannot defend themselves or find someone else to protect them, they are innocent victims, not failures.  They need to understand the difference between affectionate or guiding touch, or an honest accident, and touch that is abusive. And they need to hear this from you- we teachers will try to talk about it, we might bring in a police liaison or guidance counselor to talk about it, but it won't have the same effect coming from us.   Your children need to know to come to you if anyone- stranger, friend, man, woman, adult, child- does something or even says something inappropriate, they can tell you, and they need to know you won't ask, "Why did you...?" or "Why didn't you...?"   They "did" or "didn't" because someone took advantage of their innocence and betrayed their trust.  Save your anger for the ones who deserve it.

Finally, to those who are living in the shameful shadow of sexual assault, I share my story to let you know, there is hope for healing.  There are people who care, who will listen if you start speaking.  There are people who specifically chose to study ways to help you and make careers out of it, not for the money or prestige, but because they care.  And there is a God who loves you, who sees you as worth dying for, even when you see yourself as worthless.  There is a Savior who knows what it feels like to carry guilt when you are innocent- He has carried the sin and shame of the entire world to the cross.

  How public you go with your story is your choice.  What kinds of legal action you take or what kinds of care you receive are your choice.  But, please, don't suffer in silence- don't believe the lie that you are at fault or that you deserve the pain you feel.   Come out from behind that shadow- myself and others who have been there will be there for you, on the other side.  

My Eating Disorder Story Part 2: "Health Equals Weight Loss...right?"

Go scroll through your Facebook feed right now, and try to count how many things you see about weight loss.  How many ads do you see (either posted by ad partners or by your own Facebook friends) promoting weight loss products or strategies?   Or go watch TV for a bit, and see how many advertisements talk about loosing weight.  Look at the magazines on display in the store check-out line and see how many covers mention dieting or loosing weight.

Sometimes, successful losers will talk about their improved appearance, lowered cholesterol, or reversed pre-diabetes.  More often, though, they will talk about how their entire life was changed by weight-loss- how it saved their marriage (or got them a marriage partner!), improved their career, brought healing from past traumatic experiences, etc.   Now, don't get me wrong- being overweight or obese is often the result of underlying conditions, which may be physical or psychological.  It's great to hear about people who receive a diagnosis and can begin the path to healing...but, all too often, these commercials will promise anything- from a svelte figure to a dream date- to sell whatever weight loss product they can.

It's overwhelming.   As a pre-teen, the message I was getting was that, if the number on the scale was dropping, then my health was improving, more people would notice me and love me, and I was becoming more valuable and accepted as a person.

As early as fourth grade, my classmates and I were being lectured about obesity and the dangers of eating anything with fat or sugar in it- I learned to fear many perfectly healthy foods, such as avocados or lean red meats. I was told that my health could be measured by simple P.E. tests- tests that I would usually fail because I had (undiagnosed) cerebral palsy and athletic asthma.

By sixth grade, I would skip meals every opportunity I got, or, if I ate, I would only eat foods I considered "good," such as lettuce or a little bit of white meat. I was experimenting with purging.   In high school, I would use my unscheduled time to go to the weight room and do the "fat-burning" workouts on the cardio machine.  In my mind, if I was making the number on the scale go down, I was improving my health and my worth.

The catch: I have always been thin.  I am 5' 5 1/2" and have never weighed more than 130 pounds- and I weighed much less in high school.  I have always had a fast metabolism and lived an active lifestyle.  Looking back, I was denying myself the proper amount of calories and vital nutrients such as protein, iron, and healthy fats.  I wasn't getting anywhere in my workouts because I wasn't getting enough calories or doing the right resistance training to build strength.  As a result, my health was actually declining.  I had small black-out spells in P.E. or at tennis practice.  I felt tired and got out of breath easily (my asthma symptoms were exacerbated by the lack of nutrients).  However, in my mind, this was further evidence that I needed to loose weight.  At ages fifteen and sixteen, I was trying to get my body to look like it did when I was twelve.  I can remember one week during my freshman year of high school where I noticed my jeans didn't fit and I had "gained" three pounds (I didn't realize it was water weight from my monthly cycle), and I went into panic mode.  I skipped lunch every day that week and threw up anything my parents made me eat.  By the end of the week, my clothes fit again and I was back to my normal weight, and I felt as though I had hit a major health milestone.  I had lost weight.  Never mind the fact that I didn't NEED to loose it, or the horrible dieting methods I had just used.  Loosing weight was healthy!

While I physically recovered from disordered eating at age seventeen, it has only been in the past eighteen months that I have realized that part of being healthy (for me) is keeping weight ON, not just keeping it off.  For the first time in my life, I started being conscious about getting enough protein and calories, and I lightened up on my cardio and started focusing more on lifting weights.  I felt like my appearance improved, but more importantly, my energy levels increased and I had less trouble with dizziness or blackouts.

Above all else, I've realized that the number on the scale is just that: a number.  It does not make me a better friend, daughter, sister or teacher.   My value does not come from my weight or my BMI.  Rather, my value comes from a Savior who has bestowed His own righteousness upon me.

 May I never forget.

My Eating Disorder Story Part 1: "A Glamorous Girl's Disease"

Two weeks ago, I posted a Facebook status celebrating 12 years of freedom from anorexia and bulimia.  I received an overwhelming number of "likes" and encouraging comments, and was blessed to see people praising God for His healing work in my life.

I also received questions.  I welcomed this because, the whole reason I have chosen to be open about my past is because I want to help others who may be facing the same lies I once believed.  I try to answer these questions individually, but, I also felt I should address some things publicly as a preventative approach.  Please understand that I write from the perspective of someone who dealt with anorexia and bulimia as a teenage girl- I know that eating disorders know no culture, gender, or age group, and they can take on many, many forms besides obsessive dieting and weight control, but I am addressing that which I personally have experienced.  I plan to make this a three-part blog addressing some of the issues that lead to my eating disorder, and how people with the best of intentions may be inadvertently putting more people at risk. 

One of the primary reasons I slipped into disordered eating was the continued "glamorization" of eating disorders by society.  I saw a slew of movies- some were popular "teen movies" at the time, others were "after school specials" shown in health class or even in church settings to address eating disorders.   Some of these movies included "Center Stage," "The Karen Carpenter Story," "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret" and "Secret Between Friends."  All of these movies portrayed heroines or close supporting roles with eating disorders, and they were all portrayed as glamorous, popular, and successful.  In many of these movies, the eating disorder is almost portrayed as some sort of secret weapon that women used to achieve their goals.  In the true story "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret," the main character uses disordered eating to stay thin and succeed in modeling.  The narrator (the real-life Mary Margaret) even explains that she hid her bulimia by vomiting into containers in her bedroom and disposing of them in secret, so her parents wouldn't wonder why she spent time in the bathroom after every meal- not only was I learning that eating disorders were a key to success, but I learned ways that I could hide my struggle from my parents.  Often, these movies had a similar ending- the character's health goes into jeopardy, and everyone, including absentee parents, the mean girls from school, or the main character's crush, come out of the woodwork to support them and encourage them to recover, and all their life's problems are solved.

Outside of the movies, there were true stories with less happy endings, but with a similar message- eating disorders are what models, ballerinas, and any other beautiful women use to succeed.  In the minds of many teenage girls (including my own) eating disorders were perceived more and more as a key to success and less and less like the nightmare they really are.

This might seem irrational, but there are some key points to keep in mind.  First, for a teen girl or a young woman (or for any human!) popularity, success, and beauty are end-all goals.  Even for a teen who is actively walking with the Lord (as I was trying to do!), it is often beyond their maturity levels and their understanding of life to know that popularity, success, and physical beauty are not worth the price of one's health.  Second, we all hear the word "addiction," and know what it means, but we all believe addiction isn't something that can happen to us.  We all think we are strong enough to experiment with something addictive and drop it whenever we want- if we were in touch with reality, no one would ever fall prey to addiction.  Myself and many of my peers subconsciously believed that we could play around with anorexia and bulimia until we reached whatever goal we were after, and then could stop and resume normal eating and exercise habits.   Finally, keep in mind this is all subconscious- the first time I tried making myself throw up at age 11, I didn't know what I was doing.  I didn't understand the psychological connection I had made between being pretty, popular, and lovable, and with disordered eating.  Because it was ground so deeply into me, it would take much more than a simple, "You know that doesn't make you any prettier, right?" to reverse.

I think anyone who has recovered from an eating disorder will testify that it did nothing to increase their success or their physical beauty- and, even if it had, it's simply not worth the physical or emotional pain.  Even people who were overweight and dropped to an "ideal" weight through anorexia or bulimia will often say that the emotional torment and physical health issues were not worth it (and that the weight-loss didn't last).  Personally, I rarely talk to high school or even college friends any more, and, when I do, none of them remember who was popular or won what award in high school.  Personally, I did eventually had some success in modeling and pageantry, but that came years after I was fully recovered- in fact, I often work to gain healthy muscle weight before a modeling audition or pageant. 

Similarly, almost any survivor of anorexia or bulimia will remember the moment when they wanted to stop, but realized they couldn't.  I can remember at age 15, trying to get through a school day with severe pain in my throat and in my abdominal muscles (I must have pulled them while purging) and thinking that I needed to stop before I hurt myself in a worse way- but it would be another two years before I would recover, and only then after I found the courage to seek professional help.  My counselor told me that an eating disorder is much like an abusive relationship- there is a constant voice telling you that you must stick with it and accept the pain that it causes, or your whole life will fall apart.  Increased popularity and success will not come from eating disorders, but addiction and pain almost always will.

I write this blog first as a plea to anyone who may be falling for the lie that anorexia or bulimia (or any other self-destructive behavior) will somehow put you on a path towards reaching "life goals".   Please hear me when I say there is nothing glamorous or beneficial about disordered eating- it will consume you physically, emotionally, and financially.  If you find you are already trapped in addiction, please know that healing can begin when you ask for help- no, your crush might not rush to your side to support you, but there are counselors and doctors who will support you and who will want nothing more than to see you restored to health.

I also write this blog as a plea to our society, particularly those who are in leadership or role model positions toward teen girls.  Please think twice before showing a movie or reading a story about an eating disorder survivor- ask yourself if this story portrays eating disorders as a secret to success, or a "glamorous girls' disease"?  Maybe the character in question goes through horrific health issues or even dies, but again, remember that no one believes the addiction aspect will actually happen to them.  Be aware of how you talk about eating disorders and weight in general- is someone with an eating disorder a "poor, innocent person who has been lied to by the media," whereas someone who is overweight is "lazy and driving up healthcare costs?"  Do you talk about models or any other "glamorous" profession with the assumption that disordered eating is the only way to succeed in that industry?  You might hear yourself saying, "It's not worth it," but so many young women will hear, "If you want to make it, it you want to be loveable or successful, stop eating now!"

I welcome responses, in agreement or argument.  This is my personal experience and the experience of other young women I have known, but everyone has a different story.  The only way we can make these stories known is to share them and talk about them!

"Faithful to You"

So many unanswered questions
Racing in circles through my head,
I keep asking for deliverance,
I hear silence instead.
I know that You are sovereign,
And You have a perfect plan,
So I'm trying to trust You
Even when I don't understand.

So as You walk me through this trial,
As You guide me day by day,
As You refine me by Your Holy fire,
All I can do is pray,

May I be found faithful,
May my heart be only Yours!
May I give You all my worship,
May You be the one that I adore.
When I gave You my life,
I said I'd follow You,
Now, as You test that promise,
May I be found true.
May I be found faithful to You!

It's easy to praise You,
When I see blessings poured out,
But the first drop in a rainstorm
Can flood this heart with doubt.
But, even so, You're with me,
Commanding the wind and waves.
Your grace is still unfailing,
And Your hand is strong to save.

If You never forsake me,
No matter what life brings,
What else can I do, Lord,
But lift my hands and sing,

May I be found faithful,
May my heart be only Yours!
May I give You all my worship,
May You be the one that I adore.
When I gave You my life,
I said I'd follow You,
Now, as You test that promise,
May I be found true,
May I be found faithful to You!

When the smoke and ashes clear,
When the flood waters recede,
Whether that day comes here on earth,
Or in eternity,

May I be found faithful,
May my heart be only Yours!
May I give You all my worship,
May You be the one that I adore.
When I gave You my life,
I said I'd follow You,
Now, as You test that promise,
May I be found true,
May I be found faithful to You.

May I be found faithful to You!

A Single Woman's Plea to the Church

First off, let me clarify something:
I have been a part of six different churches throughout the past 28 years (and countless other Christian circles), and I am in the process of settling into the seventh- which I hope will be my last!  I have deliberately changed churches once (for a long list of small reasons; not a particularly drastic theological shift); every other change has come with a change in my geographical location.  What I am about to discuss is not directed at any of the churches I have attended, or at anyone who has attended there with me.   I am going off of my own experiences, as well as the experiences of my single friends and acquaintances and even fellow bloggers.  This issue arises across the board, and people are not even aware that it is an issue because it is done in complete innocence, with the best of intentions...but it can actually cause a lot of heartache and possible disfunction within a church.

I think it's a scenario we've all seen: a seemingly-single woman walks into a church for Sunday service.  People notice her, and many go out of their ways to connect with her and make sure she feels welcome in the church.  As people get to know her, it comes up that yes, she is indeed single, and she is hoping and praying that the Lord has a husband and a family in her future.  So, people immediately start thinking of the single men they know- either within that same church, or that they know from work, school, the Bible study they attend outside of church- and start telling her all about this really great, Christian guy they know who would be "just perfect" for her, and she should really start thinking about him.

Right there is where the problem comes in.

She should really start thinking about him...why??

I'm not talking about someone setting up two good friends for a blind date, or inviting them both to a group event to give them a chance to meet and see if they will hit it off.  I'm talking about people who start telling a single gal all about this great single guy, whether it's intended in good fun or seriousness, but all they ever do is tease her about him, ask her what she thinks of him, ask her if anything is happening between the two of them, as if her life is a sitcom where all the viewers know she and this guy are going to end up together and are just waiting for it to actually happen.

This is problematic on so many levels for so many reasons.  I could write an entire book on the headaches and heartaches that I, along with so many other single women that I know, have experienced as a result of this, or the confusion that I've seen brought into Christian circles because of it, but I'll just list a few of them:

1. It does NOT encourage a woman to guard her heart!
Christian men are (rightfully!) taught to be cautious of leading women on with flirty texts, long heart-to-heart talks, or romantic gestures when he doesn't intend to follow through.  Such behavior sets unsuspecting women up for a major heartbreak.  However, women can set themselves up for this same heartbreak by allowing themselves to zero in on a particular guy and dream about him being "the one."  Once reality sets in and we realize he isn't our Prince Charming, it can be devastating, even if there was never a real relationship between us.  We may not be as likely as men to struggle with lust or physical temptation (not to say we are immune to it!), but we are far more likely to struggle with guarding our hearts.  You might think that teasing a woman about the new guy in your church or Bible study is good fun, but, truthfully, it can be a huge stumbling block which leads to a lot of unnecessary hurt for her in the end.

2. It's a distraction for her.
All Christians will probably agree that one of the blessings of singleness is that it allows us to better focus on serving the Lord and growing closer to Him.  Why rob her of such a blessing by urging her to focus on that one "really great" single guy?  Proverbs 4:23 commands us: "Above all else, guard your heart, because everything you do flows from it."  When our hearts are focused on the Lord, it's easy to seek His calling on our lives and to strive to know Him more.  However, when our hearts become focused on winning over a guy, the deeds that flow from our hearts can quickly shift from "What can I do out of love for Christ?" to "What can I do to get to know this guy better and get him to notice me?"  Needless to say, when one person in a church or ministry starts serving with the wrong intentions, the entire body of believers can be affected.

3. It strips her of her identity
One of the biggest challenge a single man or woman faces when joining a new church or ministry can be trying to fit in with all the married couples and families.  If other church or ministry members treat us as equal, encourage us to get involved and serve, invite us to events geared towards adults, etc, this barrier can be overcome.  On the other hand, when the focus of every conversation seems to be about why we should think about so-and-so, asking if anything has happened lately in the romance department, teasing us about our future with this guy, etc, it carries a strong underlying message: "You need to change to be like us."  Never mind that she shares in your love for the Lord and desires to serve Him as part of your church family or ministry group.  Never mind the career, hobbies, or platforms that she may have in common with you- her identity becomes, "The Single Woman" who needs to be rescued from her single state so she can really fit in with everyone else.

4. It can get really, really awkward...or worse
If a woman is interested in the guy you're talking about (or, if listening to you portray him as a Knight in Shining Armor causes her to start falling for him), and things fall through, it can lead not only to heartache for her, but confused and broken relationships within a body.  If he starts dating (or marries) somebody else, than she is left with feelings of bitterness and jealousy to deal with.  If she has been entertaining romantic daydreams about him and he is the slightest bit friendly to her, she starts can quickly start to imagine that he is showing interest- and feel as though he "lead her on" when nothing comes of it.   If she's not interested in him, ideally she should be able to just tell others, "Nah, that wouldn't work out," and be done...but does it ever work that way??  No, people need to know why she's not interested, and then need to try to convince her that she's wrong to not be interested in him.  Newsflash: if she's not interested, she doesn't owe you an explanation.

And, sometimes, to be frank...trying to spark a woman's interest in a certain guy can be outright insulting.  On more than one occasion, I have been pressured to like a guy with serious issues or character flaws because "I could help him," or even because "I'm being too picky."  Really?  REALLY??  Is singleness so horrible that I should "settle" for a guy who needs professional help before he can handle a relationship?  Is it really too "picky" of me to want a guy who has his life together?

5. It's a distraction...to you.
Before I left for the mission field, I was shocked at how many people were hung up on their hopes that I was going to meet Mr. Right there.  They were more interested in my love life than in the ministry I was taking part in overseas, the people I was ministering to, the people I was working with on the field, the intercultural experience I was having...sometimes, I wondered if these people were really praying for the requests that I sent out in my monthly newsletter, or if they just skimmed it for an engagement announcement and then deleted it when they didn't see one.

The Bible is full of commands for Christ-followers: Care for orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27), to preach the gospel to all of creation (Mark 16:15), to love one another as Christ has loved us (John 13:34), to love the Lord with all our hearts, souls, and minds (Matthew 22:37).  Notice the command that doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible: cure the disease of singleness!  Urge your single sisters to think about any and every available guy!

Around the world, there are orphans living in deplorable conditions.  There are single mothers struggling to do it all.  There are people who do not have the Bible in their language or have never heard the name of Jesus.  There is a God who is worthy of our wholehearted worship and devotion.  And we feel the need to sit around teasing a single gal about the latest eligible bachelor on the block?  If you want her to "feel accepted" by your church family, if you want her to be "as happy as you are," than gather together members of your ministry or church family- singles, marrieds, parents, youth, seniors- and ask God to show you how He would have you, as a body of believers, obey these commands.

My plea on behalf of single women to the rest of the Church: Let God write our love stories.  If He wants us single- whether it be for now or our entire lives- nothing good can come out of interfering with His plan.  If He does have someone out there for us, than nothing will stop Him from bringing us together in His perfect timing.  In the meantime, encourage us to serve Him and walk with Him.  Be the kind of friend that, if we think God may be bringing someone special into our lives, we can turn to for prayer, support and accountability.  Or, when we get tired of waiting and wondering if we are ever going to meet someone, when we wonder if there's something wrong with us that makes us undesirable, when we're asking why God has answered everyone else's prayer for a spouse but seems to be ignoring us, be the kind of friend who will listen without giving unsolicited advice, who will pray with us, who will speak TRUTH into our lives, not make false promises that God has someone out there for everyone, or that He will fulfill every desire we have.

As a single woman desiring marriage and a family, I have to choose daily to remember that my lack of a relationship is not what defines me, that God is good and He is Sovereign, and that He is the only one who can be entrusted with my whole heart.  Believe me, it's a battle that I must continuously fight.

Can I count on my brothers and sisters in Christ to fight with me?

The Physical and the Spiritual

Two Sundays ago while I was home for spring break, one particular line of sermon at church stood out to me: "When God sees us doubting, He doesn't say, 'you doubt Me??  Off with you; I won't deal with that!'  Rather, in His mercy, He says, 'Bring your doubts to Me.'"

This was easy to accept as I heard it from my pastor.  However, with the end of spring break and the return to school and student teaching, the truths I had heard on Sunday quickly took a backseat to the stress of every day life.  By Friday afternoon, I arrived home with my brain spinning- I had an overwhelming amount of grading and planning to complete over the weekend, a job fair to prepare for, and my teacher's portfolio to complete.  I was heart-heavy for some dear friends who were facing trials of their own.  Looking past this one hectic weekend didn't offer much comfort- major tests and projects, the job search, setting up new living arrangements, and being a new teacher all loomed ahead of me.  On top of everything, a migraine was quickly clamping down on my head.

 I really wanted to climb into bed, but it was the first Friday of the month, which meant it was Graduate Christian Fellowship large group night- I only have two more months of grad school, so I didn't want to miss one of my possible last times with my friends.  I decided to try and tough it out- in lieu of our normal Bible reading/prayer time, we had made plans to go out for fish fry and then to a local church that was hosting a night of worship (one of the guys in our group was on the worship team).  I managed to enjoy dinner and the surrounding conversations despite the physical pain I was experiencing, and hoped that the time of worship would refocus my mind and heart.

We arrived at the church and the worship service started.  The service was beautifully done- it was clear that a lot of preparation and prayer had gone into the evening.  However, I soon realized that, even as I sang along with my hands lifted and my eyes closed, my heart was still spinning.  Ugh, no- FOCUS!!  This is a time of worship; stop thinking about other things!!!  I tried to silence my brain and really feel the meaning behind the words of the songs, but my swirling thoughts- in combination with the intensifying migraine- were overpowering me.  Now, I was beginning to feel angry with myself.  Here I was, in the midst of a time of worship, and all I could think about were my own problems.  Surely, God must be displeased with me right now.  Great, just what I needed, to have God angry with me in the thick of graduate school...gaugh, graduate school.  The edTPA is due in two weeks and I don't know when I'm going to have time to work on it, or how I'm going to find time to get my resume together and start filling out job applications- NO!  This is worship time!!  Focus on worship!  Sheesh, God must not want anything to do with me at this point...and so the cycle wore on (on top of the migraine- by this point it was accompanied by nausea and becoming excruciating- I probably would have left if I hadn't carpooled to the church).  

Partway through the night we divided into small groups for prayer.  Our GCF group huddled together and a few of us shared things we wanted to pray about.  As our staff leader prayed, he petitioned God to remind us that we are "His sons and daughters."

Suddenly, I was hit with an image in my mind of myself as a child, waking up in the middle of the night screaming after a nightmare or terrified by a thunderstorm.  My dad was often the one to respond to my cries- and he never said, "You're afraid?  You doubt that I can protect this house?  You don't believe me when I said thunder can't hurt you?  Chill out and come talk to me when you're ready to trust me!"  No, my dad would, without hesitation, come sit with me on my bed and pray with me, grab a pillow and sleep on my bedroom floor so I could feel safer, or make me laugh by diving under my bed and beating up the monsters that I was convinced where hiding there.

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:13-14)  Just as my earthly father had compassion on me when I was overcome with fear and anxiety, my Heavenly Father would do the same.  I didn't need to work through my fears on my own- I just needed to hand them over to Him.  In that moment, emotionally and mentally, I felt relief like I hadn't felt in months...and, in the exact same moment, I felt something "click" in the back of my neck, and the migraine was instantly gone.

Give me all the scientific explanations you want, but I know in that moment, God was using the physical to demonstrate the spiritual.  Just as He could remove a pounding headache, He could remove my burdens.  Just as He can heal physical ailments, He could heal my anxiety.

I still don't know what the future holds...but I know Who holds it.  When doubts start to creep in, I do not need to fight them alone- God is waiting for me to hand them over to Him.  In the words of one of the final songs we sang that night:

What could I say,
What could I do?
But offer this heart, O God,
Completely to You.

"Beautiful"

I hear your thoughts right now.
I see you looking at that magazine, at that false image of beauty, asking why you don’t look that way.
I hear you listing all the things that you believe are wrong with you, and planning all the things you want to do to change yourself, so that you can look like those images, so that you will be loved and adored.

Come with Me for a moment, My daughter…
Step outside. Watch as the sun dips below the horizon and swirls the last of the day’s light across the sky.  Look at the array of colors it leaves behind.  I painted those colors.

 See the brilliance of the stars, sparkling against the blackness of the night.  Take in the intricate constellations, which have captured the eyes and hearts of mankind for centuries.  I placed those stars there, and I call each one by name.

Look at the majesty of the mountain range.  I sculpted that with My own hands.  Now, look closely at a rose.  I also sculpted it’s petals and arranged them in their swirling formation, painted it in the perfect color, and gave it life to bloom and bring forth it’s fragrance. 

Gaze upon the ocean- see how perfectly every wave rises and crests before crashing against the shore, reflecting the colors of the sky.  Go below its surface, and take in the colors and shapes of the life below- the great coral reef and the colorful fish dancing over it in perfect formation, the great blue whales and silver dolphins breaking the surface with perfect grace.  This is all My work, My creativity.  No beautician, make-up artist, plastic surgeon, personal trainer, or fashion designer could capture such beauty.

 I had no inspiration, no photograph or image to follow as I made this.  My creation is a reflection of My own glory, My own beauty.  I am the One who sits high and exalted on the throne, and the train of My robe fills the temple.  The seraphim cover their feet and their faces in My presence, calling out to one another, “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!  The whole Earth is filled with His Glory!”

The whole Earth is filled with My Glory.  My creation points back to My power, My sovereignty, My perfect Holiness.

And you, My daughter, are a part of that creation.

The Earth was not complete without you.  You were not a nice touch or finishing decoration; you are the crown of My work.  You are the bearer of My image, a reflection of My perfect beauty.

And I am enthralled by your beauty.  So much that, when you were enslaved by sin, I left my throne to set you free.  I laid down My life to restore yours, so that the black stains of sin which marred your beauty could be washed away. 

The world tries to sell you it’s false beauty.  Beauty that saps your strength as you strive to obtain it, that always leaves you feeling like you need “just a bit more” to be perfect.

But how can the world know what beauty really is without knowing Me, when I AM Beauty itself?  What right does this world have to look upon you, made in My own image, and tell you that you are not beautiful?

I, the Creator of the Universe, the Author of Life, the Sustainer of all the lives and breathes, Artist of all things beautiful, I am The One who designed you, who formed every fiber of your being, who breathed life into you. 

And I have called you Beautiful.